Five years ago...

Five years ago, I sat down to give my 7-month old son some formula for the first time. I remember wondering whether or not he was going to like it, since I had heard that it sometimes takes a few tries for babies to adjust to the taste. And I remember the feeling of sheer terror that gripped me as I watched the onset of what I would soon discover was an anaphylactic reaction to the milk protein in the formula.

At the time, I was vaguely familiar with food allergies. As a teacher, I had a child in one of my classes with a peanut allergy. I had been instructed on how to use the Epi-Pen, but I had never actually seen a severe reaction before. I was stunned and felt completely unprepared, not only for how severe the reaction was, but also for how quickly it proceeded.

Even though the experience was terrifying, I am thankful for so many things. That God gave me the strength and clarity to get Bryan to the hospital, even through both of our tears. That we learned about Bryan's allergies at a young age, so that it has been something that he has grown up with. That Bryan has the personality and the maturity to manage his food allergies as well as he does. And that we have been blessed with a network of supportive and caring people who are willing to listen and be patient with us as we figure out how to live outside our bubble.

Life with food allergies may never be simple, to be sure. But it's our life, and we are learning to live it, day by day, month by month, year by year.

First day of school!

Yesterday was Bryan's first day of kindergarten at his new school! He said he was a little nervous, but he was fine once he got to his classroom. He got to play on the playground twice, and he got to all the way to three monkey bars. He was a little disappointed that he didn't get to play on the computers yet, but he was excited about going back today because he was going to paint in art class.

And how did my first day of Bryan's kindergarten go? Mine was a little more emotional. I didn't cry in the classroom, but I did start to tear up as I waited by the clinic to drop off Bryan's EpiPen and Food Allergy Action Plan. As much as Bryan's allergies dominate my thinking, I still don't like thinking about what could happen.

Not that I REALLY think that anything is going to happen. We got a chance to meet with Bryan's teacher before school started, and I really do think that Mrs. S is going to take care of him. Our conversation went well, and she really seemed concerned about making sure that Bryan stays safe in her classroom. She even sent home a label from the soap that they use in their classroom to make sure that Bryan could use it, which made me feel good that she is going to be proactive about his allergies.

That said, my heart does jump a little every time the phone rings, just in case it is someone from the school. I kind of wonder how long that anxiety is going to last, or if it is even ever going to go away. Because even though I do think Bryan will be okay- I still don't like thinking about what could happen.

Countdown to Kindergarten

Three weeks. Twenty-one days. It sounds like a long time, but then suddenly, it doesn't.

We have three weeks before Bryan starts kindergarten. This is supposed to be an exciting time- getting ready to start at a new school with a new teacher, new classroom, new friends, new everything. Which unfortunately for me, is kind of the scary part. I will admit that I am by nature an introvert, and I think that Bryan has inherited that characteristic from me. So any sort of new situation tends to be a bit overwhelming anyway from that perspective. My main concern, however, is how to handle and negotiate Bryan's food allergies in this new situation.

We met with the Assistant Principal of the school back in April, mainly to give the school advance notice of the issue and to try to gauge how our concerns would be addressed, and overall, we felt pretty good about the meeting. The school has had students with food allergies before, but none with quite the severity of Bryan's. However, we discussed Bryan's allergies and related issues at length, and the Assistant Principal seemed willing to work with us to feel comfortable about enrolling Bryan at the school. He actually followed up with me recently, and was hoping to be able to arrange a meeting for us with Bryan's teacher before school starts. That definitely made me feel better- that he not only was keeping us in mind, but actively trying to work with us to make the transition a successful one.

Do I feel better? Yes. Do I feel prepared? Not even a little bit. To be honest, I don't know that I will ever feel completely prepared when it comes to putting Bryan in a new situation. But I guess I have three weeks to try to get there.

Graduation Day

May 20 was Bryan's Preschool Graduation Ceremony. It was pretty cute- the kids got to wear graduation caps, they sang a song, and each child walked across the stage and received a "diploma" and a bible as a gift. Obviously more for the parents than anything else, but cute nonetheless.

Grandmama and Grandpa came to visit as well, and Grandpa made the comment beforehand that he thought the idea of a preschool graduation was ridiculous. (Ummm... have I mentioned that Grandpa can be somewhat gruff at times? =) Anyway, his point was that you shouldn't celebrate a "graduation" unless you have accomplished something- which in his mind wasn't until after you at least finished high school.

While I can understand Grandpa's point (I disagree to some extent, but I do think that some people overdo the celebrations), I started to think about his definition a little more, and I think that we HAVE accomplished something this year. I think Bryan has a much better idea of what he can and can't do when it comes to his food allergies in the classroom. His teacher told me that he handles his allergies very well, and that he is good about telling people when he can't have something. Bryan made it through pizza parties, ice cream parties, and Green-Eggs-and-Ham day, all without my hovering over him. He went to his first non-family birthday parties (with my hovering over him). These don't seem like big deals to most people, but for us, they were very big. I'm certainly still nervous, but at least we both have a better idea of how to handle things. To me, that represents a very big accomplishment. And like I said earlier, maybe more for the parents than for anyone else. =)

An irrational fear of cows

Last week, Bryan's preschool class had a petting zoo come to visit. I saw the announcement about it, thought about it a little, but decided it wasn't anything that I needed to worry about allergy-wise. That is, until after I dropped him off that day. On my way home, this is how my thought process played out:

Hmmmmm... I wonder if I should have talked to his teachers a little. It's probably fine. It's probably just bunnies and chicks or something like that- maybe a goat. He might be allergic to bunnies, since I am. But that will just be a little itchy or sneezy, and he has Benadryl to take care of that. What about the goat, though? Would his milk allergy affect him with a goat? (Most people who are allergic to cow's milk are also allergic to goat's/sheep's milk.) But they wouldn't milk a goat- it's just a petting zoo. But what if they bring a cow? No, a cow is too big- I shouldn't worry about that. But what if they do? Do I need to worry about the milk if Bryan is just petting the cow? What if they milk the cow as a demonstration? And what if they ask the kids if they want to try? Bryan's teachers wouldn't let him do that, would they? But then again, I've never actually told Bryan that he shouldn't milk a cow- what if he wants to try? And the milk splashes onto his hands? He would probably break out into hives (based on past experience with spilled milk). But then what if he started rubbing his eyes with the milk on his hands- or even worse, started sucking his thumb? No, that wouldn't happen. Right? Surely, his teachers would check with me before letting Bryan milk a cow. But what about the goat...

In the end, there was no cow, no goat, and Bryan was allergic to the bunny. But clearly, I need to find something else to think about.

Re-inventing the egg

I have been on something of a baking kick recently (which you may have noticed on my other blog). I enjoy baking, but I have had difficulty finding baking recipes for Bryan that I really like. Baking is a fascinating and complicated science. Ingredients combine together in chemical reactions to create flavor, texture, and shape- all of which contribute to those chewy cookies or fluffy cake that we enjoy so much. Therefore, substituting can be fairly tricky when you are dealing with the core ingredients to baking- such as flour, milk, and eggs. We are lucky enough that Bryan is not allergic to wheat, so flour is not an issue. Milk and eggs, however, are obviously not going into anything that Bryan can eat.

Eggs, I have found, are a particularly difficult ingredient to replace. Now, you might wonder why you can't just use a refrigerated egg substitute in place of the egg, and the reason is actually simple- most egg substitutes actually do contain egg. They are great for people who are trying to lower their cholesterol or something like that, but definitely off-limits for people with an egg allergy.

One of the keys to figuring out how to replace an egg is knowing the purpose the egg serves. Eggs usually act in one of two basic ways in a recipe- as a binding agent (to moisten and hold things together, as in cookies or brownies), or as a leavening agent (to lighten and soften the final product, as in cakes). In general, the fewer eggs needed, the better a replacement will work. (And unfortunately, if your goal is to make a perfect egg-free clone for your favorite quiche, you're probably out of luck.) However, there are a few substitutions that you can try with your usual recipes:

• If the egg is a binding agent in something sweet, like a cookie or a brownie, you can try replacing each egg with 1 Tbsp. mashed banana, applesauce, or yogurt (soy or otherwise). If the egg is a binder in something savory, like a meatloaf or casserole, you can use 1 Tbsp. mashed potato or tofu for each egg.

• If the egg is a leavening agent, as in cakes and muffins, things get a bit trickier. You need something that will release gas bubbles to make the food rise, and you have to be careful to distribute that ingredient evenly throughout the batter to ensure that you don't get "pockets" of rising- which is usually my problem. The most consistent (though not perfect) replacement that I have found is a mixture of 1 1/2 Tbsp. water, 1 1/2 Tbsp. oil, and 1 tsp. baking powder for each egg. However, you do need to use the mixture very quickly to take full advantage of the resulting bubbly chemical reaction.

(You can also do what I usually do, which is try to find recipes that already have substitutions worked into the ingredients. Since that isn't always possible, though, it's nice to have a trick or two up your sleeve.)

If the egg were all I had to worry about, it might be a little easier to work with existing recipes. But having to substitute for the milk as well ends up changing the chemistry enough that I usually have to look for designated milk-free-egg-free recipes. All of that to say, I have been baking a lot lately, trying to find recipes that everyone will enjoy. It's a little harder than I had hoped it would be (there's always something that's not QUITE right), but I suppose the upside is that the house smells really good. =)

Crafty? Or just plain crazy?

Bryan's birthday was this past week, and he had a birthday party for the very first time, with invitations and friends and everything! We actually ended up having a joint party with another little girl from his class who had scheduled her party for the same time, but that's another, non-food-allergy-related story. When I asked Bryan what kind of cupcakes he wanted for his party, he told me that he really wanted Backyardigans cupcakes. (For the non-parents out there, The Backyardigans is a cartoon that has 5 friends (a penguin, a moose, a bug, a kangaroo, and a hippo) who all live next door to each other, and who have all sorts of fun adventures together in their backyards.) So... knowing that I couldn't exactly go to a bakery and pick up a Backyardigans cake for him, I set out to make his Backyardigans cupcakes. And I think I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself:

Which brings me to my current train of thought... Would I have gone through all of this trouble if Bryan didn't have his food allergy problems? I think the short answer is no- I would have just gone out and bought a pre-decorated cake for him. But even beyond that, I kind of wonder... It never occured to me to say "No Bryan, I don't think I can do that- can you think of something easier?" I just immediately thought, Okay- Bryan wants Backyardigans... how do I make that happen? It's almost like a feeling of guilt- that I HAD to do it because I COULDN'T just go to a store and pick up something up. If I had been able to buy a cake for him and they didn't have Backyardigans, I probably would have had him choose something else, right? But since we didn't even have that option, I felt like I needed to make sure he at least had SOMETHING special.

I know that I'm not articulating this very well. Which I suppose brings me back to the title of this post. Am I crafty? Or just plain crazy?

Thanks a Lot(s)!

The end of January has crept up on us, which means... it's Girl Scout Cookie time! For me, Girl Scout cookies are more nostalgic than anything else. When I was a Girl Scout, my mother actually volunteered as Cookie Mother several times- which means that we gathered up our entire troop's orders from the delivery station and sorted them for each individual to pick up and deliver to their customers. Hundreds of boxes of Thin Mints, Samoas, and Do-Si-Dos sitting in our living room, just waiting to find their way to their new homes...

In any case, the Girl Scouts in our area now sell their cookies at booths or door-to-door, rather than taking orders ahead of time. One troop had set up just outside my grocery store last weekend, so as I left I bought a box of Thanks-A-Lots- a biscuit-like cookie that has chocolate on one side that my husband really likes. Of course, when I got home, Bryan saw me carrying the box and asked what they were. I told him that they were cookies for Daddy, and he asked if he could try one. When I told him that I didn't think they were safe for him, he said, "Well, can you just check?" So I did- and much to my surprise, I found out that Thanks-A-Lots are actually Bryan-safe! And so Bryan happily sat down with a Girl Scout cookie- and I received yet another lesson on the importance of reading labels.

New year, new... food?

Most people know that it is very easy to get stuck in a "food rut". Same things for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, day in and day out. It's a problem that a lot of families have, certainly, but the problem is compounded when you are also dealing with food allergies. Granted, I am the first to admit that my household is full of picky eaters to begin with. However, I definitely feel limited in the scope of foods that I can start with to serve to my son Bryan (because let's face it- there are only so many ways that you can substitute for an egg in a recipe). Plus, since it's such a relief whenever I do find something that Bryan can eat, it's very tempting to go back the same things again and again that I KNOW are safe. All of that to say- my family is defintely stuck in a food rut.

Which brings me to my New Year's Resolution: Armed with several new cookbooks that I received at Christmas, I am going to try to make at least one new Bryan-safe recipe each week. I know that it doesn't sound like much, but that works out to 52 new recipes over the course of the year- which is certainly more than I have done lately. I am planning to keep track of each week's results- where the recipe came from, modifications, degree of difficulty, and how it was received by my family- on a separate blog at http://myfoodallergytable.blogspot.com. (I know, some of you probably think I'm trying to recreate Julie and Julia, but honestly- it's just my way of getting myself to actually keep this resolution!) For anyone interested, the new blog will be dedicated exclusively to the recipe resolution, while I will continue to share food allergy stories and experiences here.

Thanks to all for stopping by- have a safe and happy new year!